Part 3: Rebuilding your Parent/Child Relationship

By Andy Anderson

Where We've Been and Where We're Going

In "Part 1: Is It Just Stubbornness? Understanding Why Your Child Says "No" So Often" and "Part 2: Powerful Treatments for Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)," we embarked on a journey to understand Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). We explored the factors contributing to ODD and the hope offered by Parent Management Training (PMT), supplemented with other therapies.


Parents of children with ODD know the frustration and strain that managing disruptive behavior can create in the parent-child relationship. But here's the good news: more than 80% of children with ODD experience significant improvement when parents consistently practice practical parenting skills, which can translate to a lasting shift in communicating and connecting with your child.


The Importance of Relationship Building

Part 3 takes us from understanding to action. We'll delve into practical strategies and resources to rebuild the bridge between parents and children with ODD. This journey is for both of you. Whether you're a parent seeking to reconnect or a child yearning for a stronger bond with you, Part 3 equips you with the tools to navigate this critical path.


Many parents look for ways to help their kids behave better. Effective behavior management tools help reduce problem behavior and increase positive behavior, but what if the secret isn't about controlling your child? What if the key is having a stronger relationship with them?


For many years, research has suggested a link between single-parent homes and a higher risk of delinquency (criminal behavior) in teenagers. However, a new study challenges this traditional view, prompting us to reconsider the factors influencing youth behavior.

With data from over 4,600 adolescents, this study looked beyond the simple "single-parent vs. two-parent" household comparison. It delved deeper, examining various family structures like single-parent, two-parent (intact families), and stepparent households. Additionally, the researchers considered the quality of the parent-child relationship and categorized delinquency into three types: status offenses (e.g., running away), property crimes (e.g., theft), and violent crimes.


The findings were surprising. Contrary to expectations, teenagers from single-parent households were less likely to engage in all three types of delinquency compared to their peers from intact or stepparent families. This study suggests that the number of parents in a household might not be the most critical factor.


What is the study's key takeaway? The quality of the parent-child relationship plays a much more significant role. Strong, positive relationships with parents were linked to a lower risk of delinquency across all family structures. These positive relationships highlight the importance of nurturing healthy parent-child bonds, regardless of the family makeup.


Broken Parent-Child Relationships

Broken relationships can stem from many sources. However, the coercive family cycle is one of the most potent contributing factors. Imagine a scenario where a child's bad behavior triggers frustration in a parent, leading to anger and potential punishment. The conflict, in turn, fuels defiance in the child, escalating the situation further. This negative back-and-forth loop is precisely what the coercive cycle is, and it can have a devastating impact over time on parent-child relationships. Let's delve deeper into how this cycle works and how it damages these essential bonds.


The coercive cycle is a destructive pattern of negative interactions between parents and Children that can seriously damage their relationship. It's a back-and-forth loop that feeds on itself, making things worse over time. 


Imagine you and your child are stuck in a loop of conflicts – a never-ending battle where you and your child continue escalating each incident to a higher and higher level. This cycle, called the coercive cycle, can be especially common with kids who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Here's how it works:

  1. ·You command your child to do a task or stop doing an inappropriate behavior: Your Child says "No" to your request or ignores you entirely.
  2. ·You repeat the command: Your child says, "NO," or ignores the request again or talks back. You become frustrated. 
  3. · Repeat Steps 1 and 2: You become increasingly frustrated as the communication loop repeats, raising your voice on each repetition to the point of yelling.
  4. Threat: You threaten your child. For example, "Clean your room, or lose your phone for two weeks." (Coercion)
  5. Escalate the yelling and threatening: The argument continues until you concede. Your child achieves their goal of avoiding doing the task or continuing with the problem behavior (Reward). You feel relieved that the conflict is over (Reward)


Since both you and your child are rewarded, the coercive cycle will repeat with the same or inconsistent outcome every time. An inconsistent outcome can be worse than giving in or avoiding the conflict every time. Your child simply learns to gamble. It might seem worth trying if they know they might get their way and at minimal cost to them if they don't. 




The Good News:

The good news is that the coercive cycle can be broken! Techniques and programs, like Parent Management Training (PMT), can help parents learn new ways to respond to their Children's misbehavior, reducing stress and negativity. Parents and children can escape the cycle and build a stronger bond by creating a positive relationship.


This cycle can be challenging to break on your own, and it's important to remember that you're not in this fight alone. A PMT Clinician can teach you skills and techniques to help you be the parent again, not the punching bag. 

 


Building a Stronger Bond

Studies show that getting along well with your child is an essential first step in obtaining success with any behavior management system. First, children are likelier to behave for you when the relationship is strong and want your approval. Second, if you can talk things out and listen to each other, you're more likely to work together as a team. This will allow for constructive conversation that can lead to solutions to complex problems. 


Toward an Improved Relationship  

  • Listen to your child in a way that makes them feel heard,
  • Use rewards and consequences that encourage good behavior without yelling or harsh punishments.
  • Deal with your stress because stressed parents have more difficulty staying calm during difficult situations. 
  • Stop coercive attempts to get your child to follow your directions or stop what they are doing. 

    Don't Say,

"If you clean your room, I will buy you a toy." 

"If you don't clean your room, I will take your electronics for a week."

Simply Say, 

"Please pick up your toys and put them in the basket, now. 

Try a relationship-building exercise like the ones listed below. One exercise is for children, and one is for teens. Both exercises help you build a better relationship with your child. 

Relationship Building Exercises:

Children from preschool through preteen

This exercise provides one means of rebuilding a positive relationship with your child by spending one-on-one special time with them (Barkley & Benton, 2013).

  • Find a time three or four times a week for you and your child to play or do any activity he chooses for 10-20 minutes. Your child can select the activity during this playtime (activity time). The parent's job is to watch the activity quietly. Only speak if our child initiates the conversation. The activities should be done with one parent and one child (one-on-one time). 
  • Focus on your Child: Relax and attentively watch your child play. Avoid distractions and interruptions.
  • Narrate their play: Describe what your child is doing. (Don't Skip this step)
  • Offer positive reinforcement: Praise your Child's efforts and playtime choices with specific comments.
  • Avoid negativity: Don't ask questions, give commands, or criticize during playtime.
  • If your child misbehaves, just look away. When your child starts behaving again, pay attention. If the misbehavior continues, calmly end playtime. Walk away quietly and calmly. Do not criticize or reprimand.
  • Be consistent: This program's effectiveness relies on consistent application. Aim for at least 3-4 sessions per week for several months.

Paying Attention to Your Teen's Good Behavior

Early Adolescents and Teens

This exercise provides a means for parents to rebuild a positive relationship with their teens by paying attention to their positive behavior (Barkley & Benton, 2013).

Importance of Appreciation: Teens crave appreciation for their contributions to the household and their good behavior. By acknowledging positive behaviors, parents can begin building a better relationship.

  • Spending one-on-one time: Engaging in enjoyable activities the teen chooses without criticism or instructions.
  • Provide positive reinforcement: Praising the teen while they're engaged in positive activities, highlighting their effort.
  • Acknowledging helpfulness: Expressing gratitude when the teen helps out without being asked.
  • Praising task initiation: Commend the teen for starting a chore or task you assigned.
  • Offering specific compliments: Being sincere and specific in your praise, avoiding sarcasm or exaggeration.

  • Consistency is Key: Recognize the importance of practicing these techniques consistently for a long-term positive impact on the parent-teenager relationship.

  • Addressing Initial Resistance: Teenagers might initially resist parental praise. Parents are advised to be persistent and not get discouraged by such reactions.

Spending one-on-one time with your child and giving them your attention is very effective. It can strengthen your bond with your child, improve their social and emotional development, and make them feel loved and valued.

By focusing on building a solid relationship with your child first, you are setting the stage for them to behave better and for your whole family to be happier. So, if you're thinking about implementing a behavior management system, remember it's not about controlling your child; it's about building a foundation of love, trust, and open communication. 

Click Here to Read Part 4: .

References

Barkley, R. A., & Benton, C. M. (2013). Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior. Guilford Press  

Barkley, R. A., & Robin, A. L. (2013). Your Defiant Ten: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship. Guilford Publications. 

 

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