Part 3: Rebuilding Your Parent-Child Relationship

By Andy Anderson

 In the first two parts of our series on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), we explored its causes and the powerful treatments available to help your child thrive. In Part 3, we'll focus on an essential aspect of managing ODD: rebuilding and strengthening the relationship between you and your child.

Nurturing Connection: The Foundation for Overcoming ODD

A strong, positive parent-child relationship isn't just a nice bonus; it's a fundamental cornerstone for addressing ODD. Research consistently demonstrates that the quality of this relationship plays a pivotal role in reducing challenging behaviors, even more so than the specific family structure (e.g., single-parent vs. two-parent households). A recent study of over 4,600 adolescents revealed that teens from single-parent households were less likely to engage in delinquency when they had a strong bond with their parents. This underscores a critical truth: fostering a loving and supportive connection with your child is paramount, regardless of your family makeup.

In essence, when children feel genuinely loved, understood, and connected to their parents, they're more likely to:

  • Trust and cooperate: They're more willing to listen to your guidance and follow your rules.
  • Communicate openly: They feel safe expressing their feelings and needs, reducing the likelihood of outbursts and defiance.
  • Develop self-regulation: They learn to manage their emotions and impulses more effectively, leading to improved behavior.
  • Active Listening: Truly listen to your child's perspective, even when disagreeing. Validate their feelings and show empathy.
  • Positive Reinforcement: Focus on rewarding positive behaviors rather than punishing negative ones. Praise effort, not just outcomes.
  • Managing Stress: Find healthy ways to manage your stress, as parental stress can exacerbate conflict.
  • Avoiding Coercion: Replace threats and demands with calm requests and clear expectations.
  • Special Time (for younger children): Spend 10-20 minutes a few times a week engaged in an activity of your child's choice. Follow their lead, avoid giving instructions, and enjoy their company.
  • Appreciating Your Teen: Notice and acknowledge your teen's positive contributions and behaviors. Express your appreciation and gratitude for their efforts.

Focusing on building a strong, positive relationship with your child lays the groundwork for all other ODD interventions. It creates a safe and nurturing environment where your child feels secure enough to explore healthier ways of expressing themselves and interacting with the world around them.

Broken Parent-Child Relationships: The Coercive Cycle

Unfortunately, the very nature of ODD can create a destructive pattern of interaction that erodes the parent-child bond. This pattern, known as the coercive cycle, starts with your child's defiant behavior, triggering your frustration. Your frustration may lead to anger and punishment, fueling your child's defiance. It's a vicious cycle that can leave both you and your child feeling trapped and hopeless.

If you find yourself constantly clashing with your child, escalating arguments, and feeling like you're both losing, you might be caught in the coercive cycle. But there's hope! Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards breaking free and rebuilding a more positive relationship.

The Good News: Breaking the Cycle and Building a Stronger Bond

The good news is that the coercive cycle can be broken! With the right tools and support, you can learn new ways to respond to your child's misbehavior, reducing stress and negativity for both of you. Parent Management Training (PMT) is a proven approach that equips parents with practical strategies to manage challenging behaviors and foster a more positive connection with their child.

Building a solid relationship with your child is not just about managing their behavior; it's about creating a loving and supportive environment where they feel heard, understood, and valued. When children feel connected to their parents, they are more likely to cooperate and respond positively to guidance.

Towards an Improved Relationship

Here are some essential steps toward improving your relationship with your child:

Relationship Building Exercises:

Try incorporating these relationship-building exercises into your routine:

Remember, building a solid relationship takes time and effort. But with patience and commitment, you can break the cycle of conflict and create a more positive and connected family dynamic.

Your Next Steps:

In the next part of our series, we'll explore specific strategies for managing challenging behaviors and explore parent management training (PMT) in more depth.

#ODDparentingtips; #ODDmentalhealthmatters; #parentingchallenges

Suggested Reading:

Barkley, R. A., & Benton, C. M. (2013). Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior. Guilford Press. Amazon

Barkley, R. A., & Robin, A. L. (2013). Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship. Guilford Publications. Amazon

Forgatch, M. S., Patterson, G. R., & Friend, T. (2017). Raising cooperative kids: Proven practices for a connected, happy family. Red Wheel/Weiser.

Kazdin, A. E., & Rotella, C. (2009). The Kazdin method for parenting the defiant child: With no pills, no therapy, no contest of wills. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Amazon Kazdin, A. E., & Rotella, C. (2013).

Everyday parenting toolkit: The Kazdin method for easy, step-by-step, lasting change for you and your child. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.


Important Note: The information in this blog series is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for professional advice from a qualified healthcare provider. If you suspect your child may have ODD or any other mental health condition, please consult with a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment recommendations.


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