Part 11: Rational and Irrational Beliefs

By Andy Anderson

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a proven method for addressing various mental health issues and unhelpful behaviors. One key concept in CBT is understanding unreasonable and reasonable beliefs. Let's explore some of these beliefs that commonly affect parents and teens.

Parents' Unreasonable Beliefs

  • Ruination: Believing that their child's misbehavior will lead to disastrous outcomes.

  • Malicious Intent: Assuming their child misbehaves out of spite or a desire to cause harm.

  • Obedience Perfectionism: Expecting their child to obey perfectly and without question.

  • Love/Appreciation: Feeling that their child's misbehavior means they don't love or appreciate them.

Unreasonable Belief

Reasonable Belief

Ruination: "My child's misbehavior will ruin their future."

Mistakes are learning opportunities. It's important to focus on growth and improvement, not just perfection.

Malicious Intent: "My child is intentionally misbehaving to hurt or spite me."

Children often misbehave due to unmet needs or underdeveloped skills. Consider what might be driving their behavior.

Obedience Perfectionism: "My child should always obey me without question."

Children are still learning and developing. It's okay to admit mistakes and teach them how to make better choices.

Love/Appreciation: "If my child loved me, they wouldn't act this way."

A child's misbehavior doesn't reflect their love for their parents. Focus on building a strong relationship based on open communication and understanding.

Teens' Unreasonable Beliefs

  • The "Unfairness Triad": This involves three core beliefs:

    • Ruination: Similar to parents, teens may believe that a single mistake will cause severe consequences.

    • Unfairness: Feeling that rules and expectations are unjust and overly restrictive.

    • Autonomy: Believing they should have complete freedom and independence, regardless of their age or responsibilities.

Unreasonable Belief

Reasonable Belief

Ruination: "This one mistake will ruin my entire future."

Mistakes happen, and I can learn from them. One mistake doesn't define me or my future.

Unfairness: "The rules are unfair and only meant to restrict my freedom."

Rules and expectations are often in place for my safety and well-being, even if they feel limiting sometimes.

Autonomy: "I should be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want."

While independence is important, I also have responsibilities and need to consider how my actions affect others.


Why These Beliefs Matter

Unreasonable beliefs can lead to negative emotions, ineffective parenting strategies, and strained parent-teen relationships. Recognizing these beliefs is the first step towards replacing them with healthier, more reasonable ones.

Developing Rational Beliefs

Reasonable beliefs are more flexible and realistic. For example, parents can acknowledge that mistakes are learning opportunities instead of assuming ruination. Teens can learn to understand that rules and expectations often exist for their safety and well-being.

CBT for the Whole Family

CBT can help both parents and teens identify and challenge their unreasonable beliefs. This process often involves:

  • Identifying Triggers: What situations or behaviors lead to unreasonable thoughts?

  • Examining Evidence: Is there actual evidence to support these beliefs?

  • Developing Alternative Beliefs: What are more balanced and realistic ways of thinking?


The process of cognitive restructuring is complicated. Talk to your PMT clinician for assistance if needed. 


Unreasonable and Reasonable Belief Worksheet

Instructions:

  1. Use this worksheet whenever you notice strong negative emotions in response to a situation involving your child or teen.

  2. Be honest with yourself about your thoughts and beliefs.

  3. Try to be as objective as possible when examining the evidence.

  4. Practice replacing unreasonable beliefs with more balanced and realistic ones.


Situation/Behavioral Trigger:

Describe the specific situation or behavior that led to upsetting thoughts or feelings.

What are you thinking?

  • Write down the automatic thoughts that came to mind in response to the trigger.

Identify Unreasonable Belief:

  • Which of the following unreasonable beliefs does your thinking align with? (Choose one or more)

    • Ruination

    • Malicious Intent

    • Obedience Perfectionism (for parents) / Unfairness (for teens)

    • Love/Appreciation (for parents) / Autonomy (for teens)

Evidence Supporting the Unreasonable Belief:

  • List any "evidence" or reasons supporting your unreasonable belief.

Evidence Against the Unreasonable Belief:

  • List any facts or alternative perspectives that contradict your unreasonable belief, leading to the development of a Reasonable Belief:

  • Considering both sides of the evidence, write a new, more balanced, realistic belief about the situation.

Example:


Situation:

Your teenager comes home an hour past curfew.


What are you thinking? 

"He is so irresponsible! He'll never go anywhere in life."

Unreasonable Devotion: Ruination


Evidence Supporting the Unreasonable Belief: 

"They break curfew every time they go out with friends, and it always leads to arguments."


Evidence Against: 

"They might have had a legitimate reason for being late."

Reasonable Belief: 

It's important to enforce the curfew, but I need to find out why they were late before assuming the worst. We can work together to find solutions.


Click Here to access the online Unreasonable/Reasonable Beliefs Worksheet.

#ODDparentingtips; #ODDmentalhealthmatters; #parentingchallenges

Important Note: The information in this blog series is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for professional advice from a qualified healthcare provider. If you suspect your child may have ODD or any other mental health condition, please consult with a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment recommendations.

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